Image courtesy of Sergiu Vălenaș on Unsplash
Phantoms, Poltergeists, Wisps, and Wraiths for the Discerning Homeowner!
All categories of ghosts are available, for rent and purchase, in a variety of pricing schemes!
Entertain your guests! Spy on your servants! Terrify your In-Laws!
Schedule an appointment with an agent from Messrs. Sheridan and Riddell today!
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6 September 1875
Dear Sirs,
Having seen your ad in the City Gazette, and having recently come into possession of a fine property in need of haunting, I would like to arrange for a visit from one of your agents. My budget is $1/month for a rental, or $20 for outright purchase. I need something to keep the servants in line and give my guests a good fright during dinner parties. I believe that a wisp will most adequately suit my needs, preferably a maiden or child, and in an attractive container such as a mirror or doll. Do you have any phantoms which fit these requirements? If so, please send round a note that we might arrange the best time for a demonstration.
Sincerely,
Dr. J.J. Chrissen, M.D.
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8 September 1875
Messrs. Sheridan and Riddell,
Thank you for responding so quickly to my inquiry. The agent you sent round, a Mrs. Gaskell, was most informative, though I express surprise at your employment of women, especially as work with your agency requires that they enter the homes of strangers unattended for extended periods of time.
Nonetheless, I was satisfied with her demonstration, and I would like to purchase the wisp of a maiden, housed in a porcelain vase, for the quoted price of $15. I have included my payment. Please send a courier with my purchase as soon as possible, as I have a dinner party planned for this coming Friday evening.
Sincerely,
Dr. J.J. Chrissen, M.D.
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13 September 1875
Sirs,
I regretfully write to you today to report that the wisp you sold me is defective. At my dinner party this past evening, to which I had invited a number of important personages, the wisp failed to materialize at all! As I had promised my guests such entertainment, its failure to manifest was quite humiliating. I am the laughingstock of the neighborhood!
Please send round one of your agents to remind the wisp of its responsibilities — I have attempted to do so, to no avail, it just hides in its vase — or I shall require a full refund of the purchase price.
Regards,
Dr. J.J. Chrissen, M.D.
***
15 September 1875
Dear Sirs,
Mrs. Gaskell came by this afternoon and spoke with the wisp. I appreciate your rapid response to my query and, though I still question your employment of women (even widows), I found her to be effective. The wisp has already manifested three times: once to frighten a lazy maid into performing her duties, once to scare off a solicitor, and once to the delight of my good neighbors, the Smithsons, who I am sure you have heard of as they are people of great importance.
As the Smithsons have also expressed an interest in acquiring a specter of their own, I shall recommend your agency to them.
Kind regards,
Dr. J.J. Chrissen, M.D.
***
22 September 1875
Sirs,
Once again, I must write you to report that your product is defective. The wisp no longer manifests at all! Send an agent round — I don’t care if it is Mrs. Gaskell — to collect the ghost. I will expect an immediate refund.
I now regret recommending your agency to the Smithsons. I shall write them posthaste to warn them of your inferior product, poor service, and deceptive advertising.
Dr. Chrissen, M.D.
***
24 September 1875
Sirs,
I appreciate your hasty response, and your offer to upgrade my haunting at no increase in cost. The poltergeist which Mrs. Gaskell brought with her — I understand that he was a printer who died in debt, not a violent offender — shall prove adequate, assuming that it works as it is supposed to. I have a dinner party again this coming Saturday, and I shall prominently display the book in which the ghost is bound in my entryway. I shall write you if there are any difficulties. If you do not hear from me, you may consider the matter closed.
Dr. Chrissen, M.D.
***
27 September 1875
Sirs,
The dinner party was a great success. The specter put on quite a show for my guests, rattling the furniture and moaning about his unfortunate fate to my guests.
I find myself having strange dreams, though. Is this normal?
Dr. Chrissen
***
29 September
Sirs,
I find myself concerned at the poltergeist’s effect on the servants. The front parlor maid has quit, and the cook is threatening to walk out. I already pay her more than she is worth. And I am still having strange dreams. Please send Mrs. Gaskell round to deal with the creature.
Chrissen
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1 October
Sirs,
Mrs. Gaskell was successful, for a time. The poltergeist became quite agitated at her departure, however. I cannot sleep for the strange dreams. It is like I am being crushed under a great weight every night. The creature has smashed my piano and cracked every mirror. The cook has walked out. Please send Mrs. Gaskell posthaste.
Chrissen
***
3? 6? October
She has come. The spirit is calmer now. I can sleep again. The dreams are not so bad. I shall let her the room which was the front parlor maid’s.
Chrissen
***
I sleep. I sleep so much. The dreams are pleasant now. They smell of ink and paper and I can feel the weight of books in my hands. Amelia is here.
***
What is my name?
***
Mr. Sheridan and Mr. Riddell,
I should like to thank you for the kindness that you have shown me in the past year, since the death of my beloved Charles. Without your purchase of my husband’s specter, I fear that he would have been sold off to the military or worse to cover his debts. And your offer of employment allowed me to maintain my home, when I could easily have found myself without a roof over my head.
I wish that the physician who refused to attend Charles after his injury had shown such compassion.
It is with much reluctance, then, that I must tender my resignation. I am sure that there are other women equally deserving of your kindness, and I hope that you will come to their aid, as you did mine.
With Warmest Thanks,
Mrs. Amelia Gaskell
P.S. If it is not too much to ask, I should like to purchase the vase which houses the wisp of Charlotte Edwards. Given her recent experience, I do not believe that “house specter” suits her.
***
Notice to the City Gazette: wed on the evening of 30 October 1875, Dr. Jonathon James Chrissen to Mrs. Amelia Gaskell, lately widow to Mr. Charles Gaskell. The groom was attired in a sober black evening tailcoat and satin top hat. The bride wore a dark red evening gown and jacket trimmed in velvet and lace. The excitement of the evening must have addled her, as she was heard to refer to her new husband as “Charles” during the short service. Dr. Chrissen has announced that he and his new bride will be moving north, where they plan to found a trade school and a library for the unfortunates of society.
[Rebecca Buchanan is the editor of the Pagan literary ezine, Eternal Haunted Summer. A complete list of her published poetry, fiction, and essays can be found there.]
